My Man

I've described him as the cream in my coffee, my sunrise and sunset, my sun, moon and stars, my walk on the beach, my favorite, my delight. He is the twinkle in my eye, the skip in my step, my knight in shining armor, my hero, my best friend. Todd is the one who most deeply shares my heart, my dreams, my fears, my depths, my life. There is no one I'd rather spend my time with and be connected to. He has shown me more of life, more of Jesus, and more of myself.

When did I realize I loved Todd so? I knew I loved him when we were in high school. He had a bucket of ice at youth group and gave me that look that said "Dare me." So I did. He did. I was covered in an entire bucket of ice, but my heart was dancing in love with him.

I knew I loved Todd when I went to England for a semester my junior year of college. We had spent years of riding a roller coaster where Todd was the driver. It was time for me to get off the roller coaster, swim across the ocean, and spread my own wings so I could fly. It was the first time I really let him go. I loved him enough to pursue God more and to get him in the right place in my heart. He pursued me relentlessly and showed me a picture of Jesus who never gives up on me.

I knew I loved Todd when I had wedding jitters. I sat in my room at my parents' home, filled with shower gifts and wedding gifts, but we had no job and all kinds of uncertainty. I was the doubtful bride I never thought I'd be. My man didn't convince me we had to get married. He said if I needed to, he'd wait.

I knew I loved Todd when we were on our honeymoon. It was a far cry from what we had thought it would be. We wanted a quiet getaway in the mountains, but didn't know our room that overlooked the beautiful mountains would be so paper thin we could hear the conversations of the people who walked by. Not quite the best place for honeymooners needing a bit of privacy if you know what I mean. Todd took out a map and said "anywhere you want to go -- we're there."

I knew I loved Todd when he held me in our miscarriage and watched the c-section when Samuel was born. I knew he loved me when he was by my side for Noah's VBAC (the less medical term without too much description would be a more traditional birth not requiring surgery), and when he delivered (literally!) our surprise girl. I knew he loved me when he went clear across the world, hand in hand, to experience a whole new kind of delivery and miracle of God.

We have history together. Our story goes back over twenty years of being best friends, laughing, playing, working, striving, crying, grieving, praying, living. What means so much to me right now is that the story is still being written. We are still living into the thing. For as much as Todd continues to grow older and wiser and better, so does my love for him.

I love him even more now because of what we've walked in this season of anguish. It has been the hardest agony, but the greatest redemption. I've gone places in grief I never knew I had to go to and places I never thought I'd survive. I've seen sides of myself and God that I didn't know existed. I've seen new depths, new adventures that have opened my heart wide to receive more of God. I haven't walked it alone. I wouldn't be here without him.

Today is the day God made him. Without him, my world would be completely different. I'm not entirely sure how to put it into words when it is beyond description. I could fill volumes of detail, but it would all share the same point. Todd means everything to me. No other person on the planet has been a greater gift than he has been to me.

We have a standing joke that it seems every time I have a birthday, Todd gets something. One year it was a coat, another year it was some other big thing he needed. We teased that it wasn't even his birthday, but he got the gift. Well today isn't my birthday, but I trumped him. I got the gift. I couldn't have asked God for something more perfectly tailored to be everything I've ever dreamed and more than I could have ever hoped for. Lately I've been thinking of what a mystery God is -- how unfathomable are His ways. Is He really good? As I reflect on Todd's birthday, I think I've got my answer. Oh yes, He's good. I praise Him that He gives the greatest gifts.