Mindful

I've been taken with a concept lately that stops my tracks in a fast paced world: Being mindful. I love what I read recently about it. "Mindfulness is at the heart of nurturing relationships. When we are mindful, we live in the present moment and are aware of our own thoughts and feelings and also are open to those of (others)." It is a way of intentionally connecting to someone, being very aware of the heart and the emotions of them. Embracing all that they are, all that they think about, all that they feel. It gives me a picture of holding the heart of another.

It seems to me that it is nothing short of a miracle when we can stop and be mindful of someone. Even harder for me to grasp is that someone would be mindful of me when there are so many people and so much to do. I've had this feeling lately that my life is much a vapor, and the world keeps spinning all around me. Who am I in the midst of that? Who holds me in their heart?

There is a psalm (also put to music in song) that I've heard several times lately. "Who am I that You are mindful of me? Who am I that You should care for me?" Psalm 8:4 (paraphrase) The Message words it this way, "Why do you bother with us? Why take a second look our way?"

If we have grown up believing that God loves us, we are blessed for sure. But how much more so when our world is shattered and everything is thrown into question -- and we learn that lesson on a whole new tapestry. What about when we wonder down to the core of our being if God even gives a rip about us? It is a whole new depth when we are so bold to say to God, "I know by faith that You love me, but right now I feel incredibly alone and You are silent." Instead of just ignoring our hurting heart and slapping on our Sunday School answers, we lose all pretense and come before Him in utter authenticity.

I'm learning that the pure honesty doesn't shake up our Almighty one bit. He can take it. As I've gone down to the depths, I've found that He is there. Freeing, really -- that He can handle our wide range of emotion and thinking. His stability isn't based on our ability to give our pat answer. He isn't rattled when we say how we're really feeling. Maybe He is relieved for heaven's sake. Maybe He says, "Finally! They're ready to be real." You know, it's His genius. He created our humanity and loves us in our fullness -- not just when know the right answers or when we are all put together.

I grew up knowing God was there. But it falls afresh on me in this season that He is mindful of me. Why on earth would He be mindful of me? With so many people, so much to do, feeling forgotten or lost or empty -- He stops me in my tracks to say, "JULIE, I am holding YOU in My heart."

I want to make this more tangible for you though. I don't want to offer some remote theology that doesn't hit home. I could tell you that every time I go to the grocery store, I inevitably have God reminding me of something I need to pick up. You think I'm making light of God's vast abilities, but He reminds me of things I never would have realized on my own. This weekend it was the garlic. I saw it there in the produce section, had my attention drawn to it as if God were saying "you need that" -- but I turned away and said no, I think we had some. I'm not even kidding, I went home that night, needed fresh garlic for my guacamole I was making, and opened the frig thinking it was right there. All that was left was the stub, no garlic. This is a frequent occurance for me. My attention is drawn to something (which I believe is God pointing it out to me), I say no we don't need it, and I get home and find out that we do. After this has happened a dozen times or more, don't you think I'd learn?

The world doesn't end when the guacamole doesn't have fresh garlic. It doesn't keep the world spinning either way. But what about when my life feels like it could just disappear without notice? Ever felt forgotten, where you wonder if you really matter? I have. That's when I need to know someone is mindful of me. I am touched when someone calls out of the blue, or when someone seeks me out just to see how I am. But when God Himself gets my attention to let me know He is mindful of me, I'm speechless. He woos me that way, and it's probably the single most reason I'm crazy about Him.

It happened this weekend. I have to admit this soul searching season I'm in makes me feel like I'm so far away I could be on another planet. If it were up to me and my own strength, I would probably fall right off. God reminded me this weekend, though, that He hasn't lost His grip on me. I'll try to share this little story -- little to you, because it isn't your heart that is being swept off its feet. In fact you might wonder why it even matters to me. But I'll give it a try.

I was doing some devotional reading in Exodus. No in-depth study, just God's pure Word. "Years passed...(they have in my life too)...but the Israelites continued to groan under their burden of slavery. They cried out for help, and their cry rose up to God. God heard their groaning, and He remembered His covenant promise to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. He looked down on the people of Israel and knew it was time to act." Exodus 2:23-25 Ever wanted to know you aren't forgotten? How about that God would not only remember, but for Him it means He not only thinks of us, when He remembers, He acts. When the years have passed, the time is long and hard, and nothing is on the horizon...the mere thought that God would see fit that it's time to act brings hope. He hears. He remembers. He acts.

I was also reading a book that Todd gave me for our anniversary 11 years ago. Yep, I'm still reading it. Still haven't finished it. It's 850 pages, for crying out loud! Let's just say I'm savoring it. It is Walter Wangerin's Book of God. I just happened to pick it up this weekend (I read it for awhile, then table it...hence why 11 years have passed and the book is yet unfinished). This will have no meaning for you, but it reaches me in so many different layers. Let me simplify it to say that these words speak to the depths of some of what is at the core of me. Wangerin writes, "Yet, on that same afternoon Jesus uttered a word so holy and so consoling that Mary's fears were drowned in a private flood of gratitude....Oh, sheets of glory fell on Mary now! Radiance and gratitude...she was conscious of none but her master and herself -- so high past fears! Lifted higher than loneliness, she had been elevated into the family of Jesus! Truly, Mary from Magdala had a family, and she would be home wherever the Lord was present, forever."

Jesus met with me in those scriptures and narrative. It spoke meaning to me that would take hours to unfold in heartfelt conversation. I wish I could share the fullness here. But if nothing else, hear this: God is mindful of you. He knows what significant word you need to hear. He knows the act of kindness that will most reach your heart when you feel like it is hard to hold on for another day. He knows how to stop you dead in your tracks until you realize how profoundly He remembers you. Let God woo you with His tenderness. Let Him find you in the details.