Closed Doors

I was more than devastated. With a swift, harsh blow, I was completely taken back and knocked over. We had a great life, a great family, a strong marriage. We loved the church God had called us to. In a flash, life was turned upside down and Todd had resigned. God's grace and mercy surely sustained us, but the pain was something severe. It wasn't at all what I had expected. I didn't know the end was coming. We were just settling in after two and a half years, and finally feeling at home. We were building relationships and planting roots. We served God together with all that we had, and were filled with great joy. Without warning, that season was cut drastically short. The loss we felt was beyond words.

Imagine having a cancer that was spreading fast and had the power to kill. Todd knew he had it, but was unsuccessful in any attempt to rid himself of it. He compartmentalized his pain and resolved to live with it. He had lost hope for the deep healing he longed for. Perhaps what he didn't realize at the time, was that God had not forgotten him or left him to die. God saw His broken and bruised child, and lifted him out of the pit to rescue him.

God's purposes are so much bigger than our own. We thought God brought us here to serve Him, which we did. Then the doors closed. Nothing we had expected, but everything we needed. God was accomplishing what Todd had always hoped for. While we grieve the doors that closed, God opened up greater depth and wholeness than we ever imagined.

I recently did a study on Paul by Beth Moore, entitled To Live Is Christ. God had incredible plans for Paul's life. He made promises that He was sure to fulfill, but not necessarily the way Paul thought. It spoke to my heart that regardless of the means, God's fulfillment of the promise came faithful and true. Something else stood out to me. There was a point in Paul's ministry that he desired to go to Asia but the Holy Spirit hindered him. (You can read about it in Acts 16). "Because they were completely surrendered to God's will, Paul, Silas and Timothy did not fret when the Spirit of Christ hindered them from following through with their plans. They simply awaited new marching orders. We often hear people say 'when God closes a door, He opens a window.' Sometimes we just might be underestimating Him. We just saw Him close a door and open a continent" (Beth Moore, p. 85). Through their obedience, God's Word spread to Europe, and God rose up new leadership for Asia.

I had another unexpected ending to a chapter of ministry. It was sudden and abrupt, but thankfully it wasn't as traumatic as it was two years ago. Just as surely as God urged me forward to lead as the champion of women's ministries, He closed the door for me to continue on. I have very little answers on what God is up to. He may be calling me to a season of rest or solitude, or maybe He is honing my call to something more specific or something new. That has yet to be revealed.

There are some closed doors that we grieve because of the loss we feel. In a pursuit of healing, I am learning to see these closed doors as fulfillment of what God wanted to accomplish. I am holding onto the hope that God is very purposeful. He is working a plan, even when we can't see what it is. Life doesn't happen the way we expect at times, but I am learning that His way is better. Even if it's hard, or deep, or painful. God will redeem it and bring forth abundant life and greater fruit.