Believe

The moon disappeared. I'm not kidding, for about two weeks, I never saw the moon. I'm sure there were clouds covering it, or it was a new moon, or some other logical explanation. I had grown accustomed to seeing it, even savoring it as a symbol of a promise (see previous post on The Moon), and being reconnected with my Maker as I walked Lily at night. Obviously I know that the moon really didn't fall out of the sky, but how much do our hearts feel that way when it seems that a promise really isn't going to be fulfilled? Have you ever had to wait longer than you thought you ever could? Ever get discouraged?

I kind of imagined a chat with me and God as I walked, with no moon in sight. "Yes, Lord, I know the moon is still there...even though I have no clue where You are hiding it!!!" or how about, "Are You really going to hide the moon from me to prove Your point -- that Your promise is still sure even though it feels further away (more impossible) than ever???" Night after night, I told Him, "Come on, Lord!!!! Where is it????" and "Again Lord??? Still???" And it is as if I knew the answer, so certain. "It's still there, Julie. You can count on it."

I'm thankful for a friend's post that got me digging in some favorite verses that God apparently knew I needed to hear. I posted a comment, but even as I began digging to find the verses that were on my heart, I sensed that God was saying, "Julie, these are for you...."

So keep up your courage, men, for I have faith in God that it will happen just as He told me. Acts 27:25

I tell you this now, before it happens, so that when it does happen you may believe that I am He. John 13:19

Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished! Luke 1:45

Every word of God proves true. He is a shield to all who come to Him for protection. Proverbs 30:5

It's hard to open our hearts up to believe what feels impossible at the time. We look at our circumstances to determine if something seems real or probable. We tune into what our hearts feel, if we sense courage and determination or wavering and doubt. Our faith can only remain steady and sure as we focus on Him instead.

What is interesting to me, though, is that He allows us to wander a bit in our doubt. God knows that He is steady and sure, and doesn't need our faith to keep it that way. He is who He is. Maybe the process of doubt brings us to a firmer place of faith. We work it through and come out realizing He was true all along and we appreciate Him all the more.

Look at the life of Abraham as it unfolds in the book of Genesis. First he was called and blessed (ch 12). Then God clarified more of the specifics (ch 13). Abraham questioned it (ch 15). Abraham and Sarah came up with their own plan because the wait was getting too long (ch 16). God reaffirmed His original call and plan (ch 18). Years passed, and further down the road in chapter 21, the child of promise, Isaac, was born -- just as God said.

God is so gracious. He knew that Abraham needed reassurance. He needed to hear that God hadn't forgotten His word to him. He even gave him a tangible reminder. "He took him outside and said, "Look up at the heavens and count the stars -- if indeed you can count them." Then he said to him, "So shall your offspring be."Genesis 15:5 God didn't expect Abraham to get it all the first time around. He reminded him of those stars in Genesis 22 and 26 too.

How precious that God knows us, loves us, and He understands. We wonder, we waver, we doubt, we are weak, and yet He delights in our humanity. God stays steady and sure. He reaffirms, reassures, not grudgingly -- but full of love and grace.

"Though you have not seen Him, you love Him; and even though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy..."1 Peter 1:8

Real Life

15 years. We were mere babes at the time (obviously -- because I couldn't possibly be so old), but since then we've lived in four states, and grew from being a couple to being a family of six. We've been learning how to support each other through new jobs, pregnancies and deliveries, ministry, parenting, changes, moods and emotions, and finances. We've dreamed great things together and faced profound pain. We've laughed and played and gotten on each other's nerves. While I started out with idealogies of how grand life can be, I've been toned down a bit with doses of reality. (For as much as I'd like to have Mary Poppin's gift of snapping a room clean, it just doesn't happen.) We've coined a phrase the past few years: "This is real life." And we are living the thing.

Illusions are like a wisp, that when you try to reach for it, it really isn't there. We can create pictures of ideals that look pretty or easy, but in fact they don't even exist. There is a time of grieving the ideals as if we lost something, but they are things we never really had in the first place.

There is a sense of freedom, grace, and depth that comes pouring in when we let go of those ideals and embrace the gift we've been given. Rather than holding on to something superficial or shallow, we exchange it for something of much greater significance and inifinite worth. Herein is the greatest of gifts.

My neighbor is a single mom with two sons. She told me her story in one of our interactions one day. Her husband had an affair and left her. I was very sad for her and admired her courage in trying to rebuild her life with her sons. It was interesting, though, how she perceived our family. I'm not even sure what she based it on, but she described us as "the perfect little family". I assured her we were not.

Imagine if our security was only found on still waters. Only neat and tidy rooms, good moods, and strong health. We would never know how deep and how strong we can be. We would never know much we truly value each other to weather life's storms. This is real life.

We had incredibly romantic plans for our fifteenth wedding anniversary. The kind where you get swept away by your knight in shining armor. Those plans had to be postponed, however, because real life happens. Our celebration was still very beautiful to me. Todd gave me a single red rose, which often marked our dating years and our wedding day. We had dinner for two at a charming place and shared our hearts together. How greatly I appreciated how far we've come, the roads we've travelled, and the beauty of delighting in each other right where we are. Even when life isn't all that we want it to be today, even when our hearts hurt, even when our hearts are filled with longing. There is an incredible gift, a divine treasure, in being able to rest right there in the midst of it all. It brought me deep joy to just rest there in simplicity, not needing circumstances to change, profoundly grateful for companionship in hard times.

I am the most blessed woman to be married to the most incredible man. Lest you think I wear glass slippers, though, we have weathered some awful storms. Combat boots would be more appropriate for the spiritual battles at times. But who I am today is largely due to the growing and strengthening God has brought me through because of them. We are not perfect people; we are broken people. Our marriage has been under fierce attack, but it has been the greatest earthly blessing I've known. I am not holding onto a wisp that doesn't even exist; I am being refined by challenges that bring depth and significance. There is no one else on earth I'd want to face it with than my man. This is the real deal.

Over the challenges my heart has faced in the past five months, I have only been more greatly convinced of how huge God is. If He can handle my anguish and despair, and never lose His grip on me -- that He is steady and sure, when I am insecure and weak -- then He is even bigger than I've ever known. He doesn't need me to hold it all together. He doesn't need me to keep up appearances. He doesn't need me to be the steady, consistent one.

In the same way, through these depths we have learned our marriage is not fragile, it is strong. We can enjoy fun and laughter, but also walk together in the dark. We can ride through still waters, but also raging seas. My ideals have faded, but they have been replaced by a grander view than I ever knew possible. This is something to be so deeply grateful for, and of the most infinite worth.

I've weaved together some Sara Groves lyrics from three different songs, but it says well what is on my heart. This is what I believe a Christ-centered marriage to be. Real life, facing our stuff and not denying it, held together by the love and grace of God, and growing together through it all...

There is a love that never fails -- There is a healing that always prevails -- There is a hope that whispers a vow -- A promise to stay while we're working it out -- So come with your love and wash over us. Hold on to me -- I'll hold on to you -- Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through. I believe that you're going to be alright -- I believe that I'm going to be alright -- I believe we're going to be alright. I believe.