In Closing

It's official. This blog needs to end. I like to have a playlist on my iPod that reflects what God is teaching me and what means the most to me in that season. Periodically I need to switch things around and make it fresh or it loses its impact. I'm long past due for doing that here. At the moment I feel in transition -- not entirely sure what a new theme would be, or if I have the motivation to sort through how I can set it up. (These things don't come naturally to me, so if you have some talent to share, let me know -- I'd be blessed to have some help.) I know that I love to write and reflect and piece things together that God is teaching me -- and I hope in that process God can use it to encourage someone else too.

So if there is anyone out there who still checks my blog every few months or so, contact me if you want me to send you a new link when I start again.

Blessings!

All I Need

We sang a beautiful chorus in church yesterday...All I need is You, Lord...and as I sang, the words ringing through my heart, I wondered how the meaning of it reached souls in our congregation. It hit me differently than it would have a year ago.

My perspective has drastically changed this year, and I believe it is all for the better. I have been on this pilgrimage with Jesus for some 25 years or so, and in so many ways I feel like I'm just beginning. At certain stops around the bend, I would come to a place where I fully surrendered my life to whatever God had for me. The funny thing is that I thought I did that about 25 years ago.... then again in junior high (don't do the math, it's painful)....and again in high school, college, and marriage and so on. With each new stage and season, I can see new horizons of what God is stretching me for and it feels more and more like full surrender.

I'm learning this year what it means to give Jesus all of me. I used to think it meant that I would go anywhere He wanted me to go and do anything He wanted me to do. I still agree with that. It wasn't until some deep soul searching this year though that I learned I wasn't giving Jesus all of me. I was giving Him the neat and tidy parts. Our culture plays the part well -- to go to church and enjoy the things of God (some good worship music, friendly fellowship, and maybe a good Bible Study or two). It wasn't until this year that I began to realize that to give myself fully to God (or even more fully to my husband or family or friends), I needed to get in touch with what is even inside of me to give. It is somewhat easy to give the "together" side of me that wants to serve and give and love. But what about the part of me that has great fears, deep needs, unmet desires or longings, doubts and questions, despair and anguish, and quite frankly just doesn't look near as good? This is all part of me too. To give Jesus my all means to quit playing church and be able to give Him every thought, feeling, reflection even if it doesn't look the way I may want it to. The amazing thing is that He wants that. He wants me. He loves the humanity He made, or He wouldn't have made us this way. Complex, detailed, with a full range of emotion so that we can experience all of life, fully alive.

That I believe is what it means to give Jesus all of me. But what about the chorus we sang, that He is all I need? I have embraced this idea, so certain that it must be true. In fact, it is sung and written about and taught frequently in Christian circles. I have been taught that Jesus will ultimately meet my needs, and I shouldn't put my faith in people who will ultimately fail me. I think there is a distinction to be made, however, if we really want to embrace what God has designed. God does in fact meet our needs, but how does He choose to do it? Through people. Broken, imperfect people. In God's design, the church needs to rise up and be the church -- we need to be the hands and feet of Christ to one another. We need to open our hearts to learn how to be vulnerable enough to trust people. Certainly we don't throw ourselves with reckless abandon to every person, and we need discernment to know who is trustworthy. But we aren't made to make this pilgrimage alone.

I recently read a few of the articles that described the deep anguish of Mother Teresa's soul through much of her life. Even she, who is so known for her great sacrifice and love, is just as human as the rest of us. Her heart ached and broke, and only a few knew to what degree. As she poured her heart out with great conviction, I wonder if the heart of God grieved for her. That she had given this part of her so faithfully, but she neglected to recognize her anguished soul was very much in need too. The body of Christ needed to surround her, and to be the arms of Jesus to her when she needed to be held and she needed to weep at the deeply troubling things stirring in her and around her. She was broken, anguished in profound despair, but no one came to her rescue to let her cry, doubt, scream, and fear. She needed Jesus, and she had Him -- but she needed Jesus with skin on. The non-invisible kind. It's called the body of Christ. For those who profess faith in Christ, it is you and me.

Back to the chorus -- All I need is You, Lord...is You, Lord...all I need is You. I still think it is a great chorus. But as I reflected on it for awhile, I realized that for it to be true, what we most need is kingdom living. We need to embrace all that Jesus embodies. His kingdom here on earth. Where there isn't just emphasis on churches to save a soul for eternity, but to also save a soul for today. For life. For living this thing called faith out, so that the kingdom of heaven is seen through our words and deeds here on earth. Where the church rises up to be the church -- which means that it reaches out to hurting, broken, sick souls. Not where it looks pretty and actually just keeps people at a distance.

I'm really excited about several books I am reading right now, because all three of them intertwine this concept Jesus had of kingdom living. It is breathing fresh life into my faith because I realize that so often Christianity and religion and church miss out on what Jesus came here for. Jesus is in fact where it is at --- He is in fact all that He claims to be --- we just largely miss out on it. We are either too busy to pay attention to what we say we believe, to check it out with scripture, or we are on auto pilot and we're falling asleep.

I believe it's gonna take some courage -- to reach deep inside of ourselves and give Him everything (even the yuck), and then to reach out to genuinely connect with others. To know ourselves and be known, to know God and share Him more authentically with others. It is all very relational, which can be a difficult thing in a world that is so often burned by people. Only the Spirit of God can accomplish such a deep work, both in us and through us. Indeed we need Him -- but not only Jesus -- everything He contains in His design for a kingdom.

A Sacred Doorway

Are we able to slow down and listen? Do we so value the people God has put in our lives that we take the time to listen to what is on their heart?

There is something of great substance and value to me that is very moving to me. It is the concept of being known for who we are apart from what we do. Each time that we seek to hear the heart of another, we are given a gift of a part of that person's soul -- who they are at the very core of them.

This takes effort because so often life is full of business and agendas and facts. So to step into the world of another's thoughts and feelings is foreign territory and we tend to bring a lot of baggage. We hear things through our own insecurities and fears, rather than just seeking to know the one who speaks.

It has occurred to me lately that if I can be secure enough to know who I am, then I am freed up to hear more about who you are and I don't feel lost in it. I won't be hurt or offended by your views because I will see them as separate from me and mine. I can know you for who you are, uniquely you. Scripture references this idea in saying "love your neighbor as you love yourself" -- first we have to know and love ourself before we can be ready to reach out and know and love others.

How many really take the time or effort to know themselves? I think sometimes we miss the depth and the heart of knowing what is inside of us. We quickly move past that to busy ourselves and serve others because we find value and worth in doing something good or accomplishing a lot, and it is too uncomfortable or too much work to find out what is at the core of us anyway. How skilled we can become at glossing over raw places by being busy or even by pouring ourself into good things like Bible Study. I read a devotional this week that said that Bible Study isn't meant for us to escape our problems, but to help us confront and face them. It talked about the worst thing we can do is to refuse to face and feel those things that stir inside of us.

I recently read Rob Bell's latest book where he asked the question, "How can a person mingle with another soul when they are out of touch with their own?" He wrote a series of questions to consider to get to know what is at the core of us. Here's a sampling: "What is frustrating me right now? What am I angry about? No, don't go to the next one, go back. Listen. Reflect. Be honest. Give yourself time. What am I scared of? What am I dreading? What am I anxious about? What concerns me? What am I looking forward to?"

It would be an incredible gift, a sacred doorway to another's soul, to share these things between us. Imagine this that Rob Bell speaks of, "opening up your soul to someone, letting them into your spirit, and thoughts, and fears, and future, and hopes, and dreams." Do we dare to know ourselves like that or share ourselves with another? Do we share more than the to-do list or bills or what's on t.v.? How about in our marriages? Or parenting our kids? Or a person God put in our life that we can go deep with and have an authentic relationship that goes beneath the surface?

There have been a few phrases in my counseling that have ministered to my spirit. They have been spoken to me, and I've been so blessed by it that I want to tell these to my sons or daughters, husband or friends. "Tell me about that." "I want to hear..." "Help me understand how that feels for you." Giving someone full freedom to feel the range of emotions without trying to cut them off or fix them. Just letting them pour out what is on their mind and heart.

Know what stirs inside of you and be open to share it with authenticity. Commit to hear and to understand and to see. Only when we invest in authentic relationships will we be able to hear another's heart, enter a sacred doorway to who they are, and begin to understand the intimacy of a shared life.

Why I Love Jesus

I recently read on a friend's blog, and was "tagged" to answer the question why I love Jesus. Seems like such a simple, basic question. Maybe it is all the soul searching I've been doing this year, but I didn't want to give a quick answer without having really thought it through. I have been raised in the church, and I'm finally getting to the point where I want to start over and look at things with greater passion. It seemed when I would ask tough questions growing up, or my heart was aching, I was so often given a pat answer like "let go and let God." So often we can answer something quickly because we've been taught what to say, but maybe we haven't taken the time to digest it and consider it anew.

What follows is a list of some of the things that ran through my mind as I pondered the question. I spent some time considering what I remembered from the gospels and could see in the life of Jesus on earth. This exercise brought a lot of joy to my heart to be reminded of even just some of the things that Jesus means to me. What a great thing to spend time reflecting on! I have added scriptures for my own benefit, but also if anyone wants to do a little digging themselves. In many cases, there would be countless examples found in the scriptures, but I just found one or two that would help make the point.

I hope and pray this might spur someone else on to share their love for Jesus too. If there are things you want to add, or scriptures that speak so pointedly, please add to them by posting some comments. It would be a pretty cool drum roll for Jesus if we keep the adoration for Him going.

Why I love Jesus… I love how he pursues us uniquely, individually, and relentlessly…

• I love the way he shows up where people least expect him, and he kind of waits to let them figure out he’s been there all along… walking on water to get to the boat (John 6:19), at the tomb (John 20:14), the road to Emmaus (Luke 24:15-16), and making breakfast at the beach (John 21:4,12). Even when we don’t realize it at first, he is there – pursuing us, causing us to wonder and grow into more of him. He doesn’t throw himself on us, but creates a bit of a hunger and awe about him.
• I love the way he calls out our name, when we didn’t realize he even knew we were there or who we were. And yet, he knows. Mary (John 20:16) Zacchaeus (Luke 19:5) I love how he knows more about us than we even know about ourselves. Nothing is hidden from him. (John 4:17-18, 39)
• I love his heart for people and how he wants to hear their stories (Mark 9:21) and lets them share their heart (Matthew 20:32).

I love his authenticity and depth…

• I love how he goes boating and spends time on the sea, and how he isn’t afraid of a storm. I want him with me when the waters rage. (Matthew 8:23-27)
• I love that he knows how it feels to face rejection (Mark 6:4), and yet he shakes the dust off his feet and presses on in kingdom living (Matthew 10:14).
• I love how he shares even the hardest of emotions – he cries (Luke 19:41, John 11:35), he gets angry (John 2:15-16), he knows anguish (Luke 22:44), he feels forsaken (Matthew 27:46), he has been overwhelmed with sorrow, deeply distressed and troubled (Mark 14:33-34).
• I love that he has walked painful times of suffering because I know he can handle mine. He isn’t afraid of hard times. (Matthew 4:1-11)
• I love the way he chooses the road of obedience, even when it is the greatest sacrifice (Luke 22:42).

I love when he shows us some of his heart…

• I love how he draws near to people and he isn’t afraid to touch lepers (Luke 5:13).
• I love how tender he is when he gets close and takes the children in his arms (Mark 10:16).
• I love how he takes care of his mama when he knows her heart is hurting (John 19:26). I love that we can adopt each other and call each other family (Matthew 12:49-50).
• I love his heart to forgive, even when someone doesn’t own up to what they’ve done (Luke 23:34).

I love the way he turns things around….

• I love his heart for redemption and how he restores our brokenness (John 21:15-17). When we feel like we’ve lost it all, he renews our hearts and brings us back into ministry (Luke 22:32).
• I love how he turns grief into joy (John 16:22).
• I love that with him we can do impossible things (Luke 5:4-6, John 21:6).
• I love that he understands our doubts and longs for us to believe (John 20:27).
• I love the way he spends time with broken people, and the people who were so comfy in their religion he causes them to question if they are really as close as they thought they were (John 8:1-7).

I love the things about him that are somewhat shocking…

• I love his heart to get involved in people’s lives even when it is dirty (John 13:5).
• I love that he prioritized and valued a woman’s heart even when society thought less of her (Luke 7:36-47). Women were among those who followed him and cared for his needs (Matthew 27:55), and the first who saw that he rose from the dead (Luke 24:1-2, 10). The Risen Christ spoke first to Mary (John 20:14-17).
• I love how his teachings turn our world upside down (Luke 5:44, Matthew 20:16, 26). He takes us out on a limb, but for our stretching and depth and growth.
• I love how he isn’t afraid to call things as he sees them, stirs things up and makes people uncomfortable (Matthew 7:5, Matthew 16:23, Matthew 10:34-35).
• I love that even though it may have seemed his time was cut short, his purpose was fulfilled (John 19:30). It reminds me that even if things happen differently than I thought they would, his purpose prevails. He is intentional in the way he works in my life too, even when it is beyond my capacity to understand.

I love how he teaches me…

• I love how he teaches in somewhat mysterious ways, where the depth and meaning unfold over time (Matthew 13:34-35, 15:15-16).
• I love how Jesus is the fulfillment of what we learn in the Old Testament. He ties it all in together. (Matthew 5:17, 2 Corinthians 1:20)
• I love that he paints a picture for us so we can grasp a little more of him (John 10:14).
• I love how he doesn’t get caught up in things where some people miss the whole point. He knows what really matters. (Matthew 9:10-13, Matthew 12:12)

My heart thrills in my relationship with Jesus…

• I love how he gets away for times of solitude and connection with his maker (Mark 1:35). I love how he calls me away to be with him too (Mark 6:31).
• I love that he reminds me of things when I forget (John 14:26). Whether it is bringing to mind a scripture I need or telling me something we need from the grocery store, I am certain that Jesus is the one who is right there to help me remember.
• I love that he specializes in finding lost things (Luke 19:10). Most importantly, he comes after our wayward souls, but I’ve also known him to help me find my missing car keys.
• I love that I don’t have to have a lot to give him my all (Mark 12:43).
• I love that he is my constant companion and closest friend (John 15:15).

Incarnational

The kids were invited last week to come to a friend's house to swim. It was a hot day, and they were thrilled for the opportunity. I gladly supported the event, even though I sat this one out and just watched. Our older three kids are capable of swimming solo, or at least with the help of a noodle in the deep end. Madison was the one who would need a buddy.

Frank took all the safety precautions -- got her in a life preserver, and put a rope across to divide the shallow end from the deep. Pam came along and sat by Maddie at the step, and they talked and played for a bit. Before long, Pam went and got her suit so she could help Maddie in the water.

I had no idea the full extent at the time, but what unfolded before me was a beautiful picture of tenderness. I began to embrace the idea of coming alongside someone. We need each other. At various stages and seasons of our life, we may be the one who is in an unfamiliar place and afraid and in need, or we may be the one who has walked it before and can help someone else.

In Donald Miller's book Blue Like Jazz, it says, "There is this lie floating around that says I am supposed to be able to do life alone, without any help, without stopping to worship something bigger than myself. I need someone to put awe inside me; I need to come second to someone who has everything figured out."

I've come into a spacious place this year. A place where the more I get to know of my own complexities, I realize the bigger God is. I am learning to rest in not having closure on everything, not understanding all of the answers, and living with ambiguity. God Himself has everything figured out. He didn't make us to live this life alone. We are to be about the work of incarnational ministry -- God in the flesh -- God in you ministering to me, God in me reaching out to you.

What occurred to me with Pam and Maddie was so simple, but so foundational to us as Christians if we want to be a part of this incarnational, relational connection to other human beings. Pam was able to help Maddie because she had been in the water before. Perhaps at one time she had to face her own fears of the water, or learn how to swim. But in her own growth and experiences, she was better equipped to reach out and help another.

I guess I wonder if believers today are really willing to go to deep places. Not just reading a book or taking a Bible Study, but open to being changed and stretched far beneath the surface of appearances. Are we willing to ask hard questions that we don't have answers for? Are we willing to search our own heart and get to the root of our unrest? Are we willing to own up to our personal fears, doubts, and pain? Because if I were Maddie, I wouldn't want to be getting in the water with someone who has never been there themselves. If I am going to go deep in my walk with Christ and really live the thing, I want to find someone else who is willing to go deep too. If I am suffering, I want to know someone who has endured a seasaon of suffering and has come through stronger and better for having been through it.

"The great illusion of leadership is to think that man can be led out of the desert by someone who has never been there." (Henri Nouwen, Wounded Healer)

The gift God has for us, the way He created us for, is shared life. Coming alongside. Not alone. This doesn't come through surface relationships. We can't know more of ourselves or more of each other by keeping at a distance. Shared life comes as we are willing to get to know what is in ourselves and then intentionally connecting with others. The more we know of ourselves, the more we will grow in intimacy with each other. God in us and between us and surrounding us -- He is in the midst of it all -- teaching us, growing us, healing us -- primarily and foundationally in the context of relationships with one another. God intends for us to be connected.

I heard a sermon that ministered to me as it spoke about being very present and available to each other. "We are called to be a priesthood -- a priest mediates the divine. We need someone to join us. We need someone to walk with us. A divine reminder that we are not alone. God has not abandoned us. God is with us. God is here." (Brad Gray)

As we allow ourselves to be fully engaged in who we are, and are willing to connect into meaningful relationships with others, we open ourselves up to more of God too. We see Him in each other. We hold His hand or feel His embrace through each other. He teaches us as we come alongside and share and dialogue together. But even in this divine beauty, there is enormous risk. Are we willing to open ourselves up to be known or seen? Are we willing to be vulnerable and risk being hurt? Are we willing to sacrifice what it takes to be available to another?

Jesus was and is incarnational. "The God that Jesus points us to is not a god who stands at a distance." (Rob Bell) Let the body of Christ rise up and come near.

Believe

The moon disappeared. I'm not kidding, for about two weeks, I never saw the moon. I'm sure there were clouds covering it, or it was a new moon, or some other logical explanation. I had grown accustomed to seeing it, even savoring it as a symbol of a promise (see previous post on The Moon), and being reconnected with my Maker as I walked Lily at night. Obviously I know that the moon really didn't fall out of the sky, but how much do our hearts feel that way when it seems that a promise really isn't going to be fulfilled? Have you ever had to wait longer than you thought you ever could? Ever get discouraged?

I kind of imagined a chat with me and God as I walked, with no moon in sight. "Yes, Lord, I know the moon is still there...even though I have no clue where You are hiding it!!!" or how about, "Are You really going to hide the moon from me to prove Your point -- that Your promise is still sure even though it feels further away (more impossible) than ever???" Night after night, I told Him, "Come on, Lord!!!! Where is it????" and "Again Lord??? Still???" And it is as if I knew the answer, so certain. "It's still there, Julie. You can count on it."

I'm thankful for a friend's post that got me digging in some favorite verses that God apparently knew I needed to hear. I posted a comment, but even as I began digging to find the verses that were on my heart, I sensed that God was saying, "Julie, these are for you...."

So keep up your courage, men, for I have faith in God that it will happen just as He told me. Acts 27:25

I tell you this now, before it happens, so that when it does happen you may believe that I am He. John 13:19

Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished! Luke 1:45

Every word of God proves true. He is a shield to all who come to Him for protection. Proverbs 30:5

It's hard to open our hearts up to believe what feels impossible at the time. We look at our circumstances to determine if something seems real or probable. We tune into what our hearts feel, if we sense courage and determination or wavering and doubt. Our faith can only remain steady and sure as we focus on Him instead.

What is interesting to me, though, is that He allows us to wander a bit in our doubt. God knows that He is steady and sure, and doesn't need our faith to keep it that way. He is who He is. Maybe the process of doubt brings us to a firmer place of faith. We work it through and come out realizing He was true all along and we appreciate Him all the more.

Look at the life of Abraham as it unfolds in the book of Genesis. First he was called and blessed (ch 12). Then God clarified more of the specifics (ch 13). Abraham questioned it (ch 15). Abraham and Sarah came up with their own plan because the wait was getting too long (ch 16). God reaffirmed His original call and plan (ch 18). Years passed, and further down the road in chapter 21, the child of promise, Isaac, was born -- just as God said.

God is so gracious. He knew that Abraham needed reassurance. He needed to hear that God hadn't forgotten His word to him. He even gave him a tangible reminder. "He took him outside and said, "Look up at the heavens and count the stars -- if indeed you can count them." Then he said to him, "So shall your offspring be."Genesis 15:5 God didn't expect Abraham to get it all the first time around. He reminded him of those stars in Genesis 22 and 26 too.

How precious that God knows us, loves us, and He understands. We wonder, we waver, we doubt, we are weak, and yet He delights in our humanity. God stays steady and sure. He reaffirms, reassures, not grudgingly -- but full of love and grace.

"Though you have not seen Him, you love Him; and even though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy..."1 Peter 1:8

Real Life

15 years. We were mere babes at the time (obviously -- because I couldn't possibly be so old), but since then we've lived in four states, and grew from being a couple to being a family of six. We've been learning how to support each other through new jobs, pregnancies and deliveries, ministry, parenting, changes, moods and emotions, and finances. We've dreamed great things together and faced profound pain. We've laughed and played and gotten on each other's nerves. While I started out with idealogies of how grand life can be, I've been toned down a bit with doses of reality. (For as much as I'd like to have Mary Poppin's gift of snapping a room clean, it just doesn't happen.) We've coined a phrase the past few years: "This is real life." And we are living the thing.

Illusions are like a wisp, that when you try to reach for it, it really isn't there. We can create pictures of ideals that look pretty or easy, but in fact they don't even exist. There is a time of grieving the ideals as if we lost something, but they are things we never really had in the first place.

There is a sense of freedom, grace, and depth that comes pouring in when we let go of those ideals and embrace the gift we've been given. Rather than holding on to something superficial or shallow, we exchange it for something of much greater significance and inifinite worth. Herein is the greatest of gifts.

My neighbor is a single mom with two sons. She told me her story in one of our interactions one day. Her husband had an affair and left her. I was very sad for her and admired her courage in trying to rebuild her life with her sons. It was interesting, though, how she perceived our family. I'm not even sure what she based it on, but she described us as "the perfect little family". I assured her we were not.

Imagine if our security was only found on still waters. Only neat and tidy rooms, good moods, and strong health. We would never know how deep and how strong we can be. We would never know much we truly value each other to weather life's storms. This is real life.

We had incredibly romantic plans for our fifteenth wedding anniversary. The kind where you get swept away by your knight in shining armor. Those plans had to be postponed, however, because real life happens. Our celebration was still very beautiful to me. Todd gave me a single red rose, which often marked our dating years and our wedding day. We had dinner for two at a charming place and shared our hearts together. How greatly I appreciated how far we've come, the roads we've travelled, and the beauty of delighting in each other right where we are. Even when life isn't all that we want it to be today, even when our hearts hurt, even when our hearts are filled with longing. There is an incredible gift, a divine treasure, in being able to rest right there in the midst of it all. It brought me deep joy to just rest there in simplicity, not needing circumstances to change, profoundly grateful for companionship in hard times.

I am the most blessed woman to be married to the most incredible man. Lest you think I wear glass slippers, though, we have weathered some awful storms. Combat boots would be more appropriate for the spiritual battles at times. But who I am today is largely due to the growing and strengthening God has brought me through because of them. We are not perfect people; we are broken people. Our marriage has been under fierce attack, but it has been the greatest earthly blessing I've known. I am not holding onto a wisp that doesn't even exist; I am being refined by challenges that bring depth and significance. There is no one else on earth I'd want to face it with than my man. This is the real deal.

Over the challenges my heart has faced in the past five months, I have only been more greatly convinced of how huge God is. If He can handle my anguish and despair, and never lose His grip on me -- that He is steady and sure, when I am insecure and weak -- then He is even bigger than I've ever known. He doesn't need me to hold it all together. He doesn't need me to keep up appearances. He doesn't need me to be the steady, consistent one.

In the same way, through these depths we have learned our marriage is not fragile, it is strong. We can enjoy fun and laughter, but also walk together in the dark. We can ride through still waters, but also raging seas. My ideals have faded, but they have been replaced by a grander view than I ever knew possible. This is something to be so deeply grateful for, and of the most infinite worth.

I've weaved together some Sara Groves lyrics from three different songs, but it says well what is on my heart. This is what I believe a Christ-centered marriage to be. Real life, facing our stuff and not denying it, held together by the love and grace of God, and growing together through it all...

There is a love that never fails -- There is a healing that always prevails -- There is a hope that whispers a vow -- A promise to stay while we're working it out -- So come with your love and wash over us. Hold on to me -- I'll hold on to you -- Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through. I believe that you're going to be alright -- I believe that I'm going to be alright -- I believe we're going to be alright. I believe.