Shattered

Only my God could be so amazing. He has a way of wooing me that just makes my heart melt. While His timing can be agonizing at times, there are days He just comes in with a flash and I know His signature. Puts the twinkle in my eye every time.

I am going to be gut level honest because that is all that I'm learning how to do. I have very much felt like I'm dying inside lately. The journey to the healing of my heart is found on a road of incredible pain. Word pictures are the only things right now that can really embrace my anguish. Almost without profound description, I can feel it with clarity and know that my heart has expressed its grief.

Just yesterday, I was trying to put words to the raw cut up feeling in my heart. It came to me that it was like my heart was a shattered piece of pottery, crashing to the ground. All of my insides, the depths of me that I hadn't even seen before or realized, are suddenly exposed and broken. The sharp pieces cut me and I bleed. Not just a drop, but gushers that burst out from the core of me. It is a fresh wound, like when you feel the slice of a knife and it stings.

Enter in God's precision in timing. Today I tuned in to Rob Bell's sermon for this week. He started the sermon with what could only be a piece of pottery, crashing to the ground, shattered. To say it got my attention would be insufficient. It was uncanny. I'll close with some parts that resonated with me...

• A disciple of Jesus is done pretending that everything is alright. Deeply broken.
• First and foremost of being a disciple is to come to the end of pretending I’m fine. I’m sick of pretending.
• A disciple is someone who understands the work of God is to put each of us back together.
• In recovery, you are done pretending, fully in tune with your own brokenness. Make it known, stop hiding and trying to do it alone, get help, the end of our own strength, letting God put the pieces back together.
• Our calling, then, is in the healing and repair of the world. Jesus saved you to put you back together -- in turn you take part in the redemption and healing of a broken world.

Enough said? I am certain He has spoken. The cool thing about when God speaks, it is as good as done.

Right Here

I'm awed by the profound gift that can be found in simplicity. If we aren't paying attention, we miss it. It may seem so ordinary, we lose the fact that it is ultimately sacred and significant. This week I woke up at dawn and set out for a day on the road. As I turned onto I-75, there was the largest view of the moon I've ever seen, right on the horizon. It was utterly gorgeous. I just had to take it in because it was so incredible. I was immediately drawn to my Creator God. It would be a hard day, a lot of driving, and intense places my heart needed to go. But the Almighty God who created the heavens and the earth was THERE. Present. With me.

I spent the driving time in worship and reflection. The things that God is teaching me right now reach down into the core depths of me. Deeper than I've ever gone or considered. In so many ways I am on a surgery table, cut open and raw. The Great Physician is right there, tending to every last detail. But as for me, I'm in such a state of vulnerability and need, more aware than ever before. It is somewhat surreal.

The day had been full, deep, challenging, but good. I got to spend a few hours in what I affectionately call "God's library". It has a huge wall of windows that overlook grass and trees and beautiful brick buildings. The ceiling is raised 25 feet or more, so it is very open and spacious and freeing. You can either work at brand new clean tables with outlets for your computer and lamps to make it homey, or you can sit in huge, plush leather chairs and put your feet up. It is gorgeous, comfortable, and welcoming. For me being someone who loves to read, reflect, write, process...it is a haven and refuge to do just that. No interruptions of someone needing me. I can escape into my own little world and just be.

The weather was as perfect as it could ever be as I walked out of the library to my van. It was a perfect spring moment where I intentionally stopped to breathe in deep the fresh air, feel the sun shining on my face, smell the flowers bursting forth on the trees, and slowed my pace to take it all in. My heart was warmed and my soul was embraced.

I started back on the drive home and intentionally avoided rush hour traffic. I have three cities to drive through -- Dayton, Cincinnati, and Lexington. It is a straight drive, but depending on what time you hit it or what weather is stirring, it can be a little chaotic. This day that started with sunshine and perfect spring weather suddenly took a turn for the worse when I hit Cincinnati on the ride home. Again I was awestruck by my Creator. The sky had billowing cloud formations, deep and dark. Lightning bolts shot for miles across the sky. There was a raging force, a strength and power so present. Just like the morning began, I sensed God's nearness. I felt like in some ways my heart was raging like that storm, such depths and cares. But God was showing up in His power and strength and letting me know He was in it.

I am in a place right now that I can hardly articulate. It is difficult for me to even grapple with it myself, let alone give a piece of it to someone else to try to understand. But the reminders in creation this day were clear. Even when you don't get it, even when it is too much for you, even when you don't know how long...GOD IS RIGHT HERE. I recently listened to a sermon on how much we long for answers or guarantees. We want the right outcomes. But the only guarantee we are given is this: God will journey with you.

I talked with a friend this week about storms. She said sometimes we don't even want God to necessarily stop the storm. We're not even asking for a change in circumstances or a quick and easy out. We just want to know His nearness in it. If I can't put it into words any better way, that's where I am. Let the storm rage on; just assure me, O God, that You are here with me in it.