Out of the Storm

It has been a hectic few weeks, and this day in particular was fast paced and full. We were headed to Kentucky for a reunion of the families who adopted with us. I had subbed in the morning, and pulled things together in the afternoon. The challenge was that time was moving faster than my productivity. Samuel helped pack from the moment he got home from school until we pulled out of the driveway. Note to parents: train them on the "how to..." before you let them loose. Sorting, organization, and bags would have been helpful. I have to give Samuel credit -- he had amazing energy and zest for getting us on our way. He packed clothes for each of the kids and ran all over the house collecting things -- bathing suits, pj's, toothbrushes, a change of clothes. I didn't follow up, so it was pretty humorous to see what each person had when we got there -- way too much, but not quite right either. We picked Todd up from work so that we could continue heading south and not waste any more time.

It was pouring rain all day, and with the rush of the day and the traffic, I was feeling a bit frazzled. Part of me was glad to be getting out of town for a night with our family, and part of me was overwhelmed with how much work it is for six people and a dog to have details covered enough to go. The weather and rush hour didn't help, but I kept thinking of how good it would be to see the five Chinese "sisters" together.

We had to run past the ATM in case we were headed to the pumpkin patch the next day as planned. The van was running on empty so we had to stop for gas. My mind racing, just wanting to connect with Todd and share about our day, and our van was full of four kids' anticipation and excitement for the outing.

As we pulled out of the bank, we had five crisp ten dollar bills. We never carry cash. We passed a homeless man, standing on the side of the road with his sign. I never know what to do but pray. We drove past, but it wasn't a moment later that Todd and I commented to each other. The homeless are here, not just in big cities. How many are looking for shelter in the pouring rain, wondering where their next meal will come from? Todd said he wanted to give him a ten, not knowing if he'd use it for food or for something else, but knowing it didn't matter either way. It didn't matter if the man was honest or if our money would have been put to good use. Todd didn't want to get in trouble with his wife who accounts for every penny and stretches every dime. Sadly, though, as we passed the man on the corner, the thought came to my mind too that we had an extra ten we could have spared. It kind of amazed me that we both had the same thought, both felt led to do the same thing, but we spoke a moment too late and missed it.

Through our drive and some moments together this weekend, I took the opportunity to be more intentional in sharing with Todd what God has been putting on my heart for us currently. He reflected back such similar feelings; we identified so closely with each other. It was such a gift, a sense that we have a marriage with all of its challenge and imperfections, yet the presence of Jesus stirring in our hearts and minds, uniting us and directing us according to His plan. We have done some incredible growing in the past two years in particular, each in our own areas. But suddenly, I watched as God intertwined our hearts, feeling the same pulse, and knowing more deeply in each other than any one else on earth could possibly know.

I wish we would have taken that opportunity for obedience that we both shared in our hearts. Ultimately as I reflect on the weekend though, I'm so grateful for that connected passion to do whatever God has for us. In His incredible timing, He is bringing us to the same place, to petition His throne as one. We are open, surrendered, and crying out for Him to lead us and keep us in the center of His will, not ours.

For all the rains pouring, for the storms we've been beaten down by, today the sun is bursting through a brilliant blue sky. There is something that incredible, that transforming, about being taken through the storms and seeing what God is bringing forth in us. "Then the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm..." Job 40:6

Strengthened by Grace

God's hands are holding me up. Two weeks ago today, we started potty training Maddie. Knowing full well what this endeavor would be like (having done it three times before), I confess I put it off until she was good and ready. Not that I would be ready. Who is ever ready to spend hour upon hour in the bathroom, being a cheerleader for such things? While the freedom from diapers is a good incentive, it comes at a high price of being captive to the four small walls of the bathroom and the mercy of a toddler's timetable to go. Sometimes it means reading a large stack of books for the better part of an hour at a time. We got the house well stocked with necessary supplies -- cloth training pants (with cute butterflies and flowers), potty books, a DVD from the library (you'd be surprised how catchy the songs can be about such a topic), a sticker book, and two bags of m&m's (one bag for Maddie for her successes, and one bag of dark chocolate for me, courtesy of my husband) -- and strive each day toward the goal. Where is God in the midst of my weariness? In seeing the graces of learning and trying, the progress even if far from perfect, and the surety that this too shall pass -- in more ways than one. (Sorry, couldn't resist...you get a strange humor in potty world.)

Shortly after potty training began, Noah had a repeat episode of severe dizziness followed by vomiting. It had happened for a couple of days in August, and then again last week. I'm not sure which is worse -- seeing your son in utter fear, anxiety, and unable to stand up without holding onto the wall, or not knowing what is causing it or how to help. We took him to the doctor, which led to bloodwork, a CT scan, and an upcoming ENT (Ear, Nose, Throat) appointment at Children's Hospital in November. Where is God in the midst of such uncertainty? Prayers for peace in the midst of testing were clearly answered. Noah was brave, and even more impressively, so was I. God undergirded me to be calm and strong for Noah, when my human weakness would have fallen apart.

We dropped the van off at the dealer after the CT scan. Like a strange mirror to Noah's experiences, it too needed diagnostic testing. They kept it for a day and of course found nothing wrong with it. The following day, we got a call asking us to come in to replace some electrical systems that might have caused the problem. So back to the dealer, they kept the van for another day, and in working to fix one thing, they found there were two more things needing care. Where is God in the midst of unexpected bills? The provision of a warranty for the bulk of the cost, the dear friends that helped when we were stranded, and the prevention of an accident when we didn't know our brakes had failed.

Our week went on like this...Samuel going to the eye doctor and needing glasses, the dryer breaking for the third time in just a few short months, and I could add more. I began to wonder what would be next, what physical or financial hardship would be the one that takes us too far. Things felt so far out of my control, as one thing happened right after the next.

Somewhere in the middle of it, God grabbed my attention. He turned my focus from what was happening to how He was in it. To see the blessings hidden in those hard moments -- His presence, His grace, His hand holding me up. Yes, things felt beyond my control, but He brought me back to realizing they are all fully in His. Not a single thing is beyond His ability to intervene with His grace.

Hebrews 13:9 says, "It is well for the heart to be strengthened by grace." My perspective changed when I looked for His blessing instead of focusing on the things that overwhelmed me. His grace is enough for me, but I have to appropriate His gift of grace and receive it. He strengthens my heart and holds me in His hand. "From His fullness we have all received grace upon grace. " John 1:16

Investments

Several years ago, we were living in Kentucky with three small children, ages 6,3, and a baby. Life was as full as you can imagine, with a husband in seminary and doing a handful of odd jobs like bus driving, grounds keeping for the school district, mopping lunchrooms, or making sandwiches and culinary creations at the local coffee shop. While Todd was busy studying and working, I was equally as busy holding down the homefront. In addition to leading a large women's Bible study group, most waking hours were filled with helping one child learn to read and ride a bike, potty training a second, and nursing a third. I had few moments to myself to rest, read, pray, think, and reflect, aside from the early hours of the morning before the pitter patter of the kids' feet came running down the hallway. I'm not sure how it worked, but many times they knew I was awake, and they were quick to join me -- so no matter what time I set the alarm clock, their body clocks woke them up earlier too.

My parents came for a visit to our Kentucky home. We were so glad for the time shared together because it was such a rare treat. It was a seven hour drive back to Pittsburgh, and with three small children it wasn't a trip we made frequently. When Grandma and Grandad came, the kids pulled out the trains, the legos, games and art supplies, and filled every moment with fun. We visited apple orchards and pumpkin farms, or took a scenic drive to see the horse farms on the rolling hills of Kentucky.

I often cooked big meals for Mom and Dad when they came. It wasn't so much that I wanted to impress them; more so, I was just thankful for the helping hands with the kids so that I could be free to enjoy my kitchen. I love time "at table", as my dear friend Barbara calls it. It is precious time shared together, hearing stories, laughing at memories, or sharing hearts. A homemade meal, that can sometimes be given special care, invites you in to warmth and relationship. There is time to talk while making preparations for the meal, remembering years past when Mom used to cook for me and now I can return the gift. The kids run by, and I think how that used to be me; but here is Mom, visiting my kitchen and now I'm the Mom. Even squeezing into a small table, bumping elbows, and everyone eager to sit by Grandma and Grandad, all part of the warm memories. A great time of blessings, there at table.

We had a full day, a great meal shared together, and the kids were tucked sweetly into their beds. I was finishing up the dinner dishes and enjoying the quiet moment to catch my breath. My Dad came into the kitchen with his bright smile, that I was so glad to see. It was my turn now that the kids were in bed, since it is too hard for them to share Grandad while they are awake. My Dad loves to laugh and play hard, and then he likes to sleep hard. I remember many times that he would suddenly crash out on the floor and take a snooze. When we were eager for him to do something with us, we'd wonder if he could hear us talking and planning. Then just as still as ever, eyes still closed, he'd calmly say, "I'm just resting my eyes." Of course we knew better when his snores rattled the windows.

Dad is a financial guru. He loves numbers and accounting. He follows stocks more closely than I follow the weather to see what to dress our kids in. Dad comes for a visit, but he is quick to ask where our newspaper is or if we have internet. He can be present in the moment, enjoying life, laughter, or table, and then his memory is jarred that it has been a few hours since he last checked the stocks. With a compelling urgency, he goes to the paper, the internet, or if we didn't have either of those, he calls his 1-800 numbers for an update.

Dad is very wise and responsible with finances. He wanted to raise his daughters to be the same. From the time we were in ninth grade, we had to take a business class and learn how to reconcile our checkbooks. Money was a very serious matter, and yet it was something Dad has truly enjoyed tracking and keeping tabs on. So that night in Kentucky, his big smile welcomed me into this friendly conversation with my Dad. "So Julie....how are your investments doing?" He and Mom were gracious to get us started in some mutual funds that we could use towards our children's college education or our retirement. (Note that I said get us started...not that it would fully support us. Aw, nuts!) Like my parents, I take finances very seriously. There isn't a month I don't reconcile the checkbook to the penny. I track all of our spending and itemize receipts. I was quick to reply to Dad's question, however, by saying, "They are doing great, Dad... I think they are asleep in their rooms!!" He gave his warm, familiar chuckle and said, "okay, point well taken..."

Investments. What we give our heart and passion to, and what takes priority in our day. People more than things. Relationships more than to-do lists. Things that last and not things that fade away. Giving our all to the things that matter the most brings the greatest return. "Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Luke 6:38

"Give away your life; you'll find life given back, but not merely given back—given back with bonus and blessing. Giving, not getting, is the way. Generosity begets generosity." The Message

Available

Present, ready, at hand. Sometimes waiting on God can grow us in expectancy and urgency. Waiting for marching orders.

Wondering, curious, eager. Hearts racing with questions, unrest. Wanting to hear God, wanting to figure it out. Wrestling.

Yielded, willing, surrendered. Waiting on God can be a letting go of our understanding of what we thought He had for us to do. Ready to just "be". Ready to rest in Him and trust He knows what He is doing.

A new season, deeper still. Believing God has a great purpose in mind, even if I have to wait for Him to bring it to fruition. Holding on, not knowing, and letting Him get me there.

Sight not needed. Understanding can wait. In Your time, in Your way, You will show me.

Whatever You have in mind, Lord. Here I am.

Risky Prayers

I just realized it was two years ago this month. Our women's ministry was at an exciting point of bringing in a key note speaker for our fall retreat. Kristi was dynamic and passionate -- about women's ministry, God's Word, and God Himself. She invested in me as the women's ministry champion of our church, through the phone calls before she came, and the hours we spent together while she was here. Because women's ministry is a foreign concept to our town, I was so refreshed to be with her. Younger than I am, she had been doing women's ministry for about ten years, a full time staff member of her church, doing the kind of ministry my heart longed to be a part of. She was contagious in every way.

Kristi set the tone of the retreat and her talks with a compelling urgency. She didn't want to talk to us about warm fuzzy faith, feel good theology, and light hearted stories. She wanted Jesus to come to our hearts and bring forth radical transformation. Kristi taught us a breath prayer (a prayer that is said in one breath, so short that it can be repeated frequently throughout the day) that I began praying at the retreat. The prayer is, "Do the deep soul work, Lord!!"

What does this "deep soul work" mean? To me it means that I want God to do whatever it takes in my life to bring forth greater wholeness and redemption in me. It means that I'm allowing Him to fully come in, and I want His Spirit to root out anything that keeps me from His best. It means I'm praying He would take me deeper with Him, and not allow me to live in a shallow, heartless faith.

Shortly after our women's retreat, Todd went on a mission trip to Haiti. I carried this deep soul work prayer over to include my husband, and that God would accomplish a rich purpose in the Haiti team. I trust God worked in each team member in a significant and unique way. Todd was so moved by Haiti that I began to wonder if God was calling us forward in missions. He has been planting seeds in our hearts for missions in numerous ways over the years, and I saw Haiti as a seed that would reap fruit one day. It has all kinds of ripple effects.

Todd came home from Haiti, and within a short couple of weeks he had to leave a job he loved. It was the start of a road we never would have asked for...or did we? My risky prayers were being answered. Like being beckoned out on a limb, but into the safest, richest place we could ever be. Sometimes scary, never ho-hum, definitely adventurous, and more alive than ever before.

Sara Groves has put music to so many feelings I've had on this road. "What I thought I wanted, and what I got instead, leaves me broken and grateful. I want to be broken, peaceful, faithful, grateful."

I want to be broken? Surely not. Ouch! Last night I read, "Those who have been gripped by the power of the Holy Spirit and are used for God's glory are those who have been broken in their finances, broken in their self-will, broken in their ambitions, broken in their lofty ideals, broken in their worldly reputation, broken in their desires, and often broken in their health. Yes, He uses those who are despised by the world and who seem totally hopeless and helpless, just as Isaiah said: 'The lame will carry off plunder.' (Isaiah 33:23)" Streams in the Desert

What deep soul work does God have in mind for us? Are there areas (maybe a few of those listed in Streams: finances, self-will, ambition, ideals, reputation, desires, health) that we need to open up and allow Him full access? Or do we pull back and refuse Him?

Radiant

I love the beauty of the fall colors bursting forth the radiance of God! Every fall season, I am speechless over the orange, red, and golden leaves. It seems that almost in an instant, carefully orchestrated, the leaves burst forth their song to praise the God who created them. As we drive through the fall sunshine, I have a yearly tradition of pointing out which colors thrill me the most -- drawing attention to them and making sure no one in our family misses it.

Our girls have often heard their mama say, "You're so beautiful!" Their faces beam with joy in those tender moments! Then I say, "Who makes you beautiful???" "Jesus!!!" they say with such giddiness only a little girl could express. I affirm them, "That's right!! Jesus makes you beautiful!"

I love what Scripture tells us happened as a direct result of Moses’ time with the LORD. His face became radiant because he had spoken with the LORD (Exodus 34:29). Only God’s presence can bring that kind of transforming power. Our time with Him will have profound results. Jesus will transform us from the inside out as we spend time in His Word. Psalm 19:8 tells us, “The precepts of the LORD are right, giving joy to the heart. The commands of the LORD are radiant, giving light to the eyes.”

David longs to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD (see Psalm 27:4-8). Behold the beauty of the LORD. Spending time lingering there with Him, resting in His presence, enjoying the intimacy of His embrace. As we have beheld the glory of our GOD, what is our result? “Then you will look and be radiant, your heart will throb and swell with joy.” Isaiah 60:5

We cannot help but be affected by His glory and His radiance. It is too bright, too beautiful, to walk away unchanged. Just as those fall trees burst forth their radiance, so God intends for us to be radiant and reflect His light to a world that walks in darkness. "And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into His likeness with ever-increasing glory -- we can be mirrors that brightly reflect the glory of the Lord. And as the Spirit of the Lord works within us, we become more and more like Him and reflect His glory even more. Brighter and brighter glory -- this is the working of the Lord who is the Spirit." 2 Corinthians 3:18 (blended translations)

Praise Him today as you behold His wonders. His bright glory fills the whole earth! (Isaiah 6:3, MSG)

Jesus, My Red Thread

Tuning into His presence around me, I am in awe of Him. Sometimes the details come together in such a way that you can only say you've seen God. The Chinese have a saying about a red thread, weaving people and time and places together. I think they are trying to put a picture to something so vast and so incredible that words fail. I have had a few moments this week where all I could do is stand speechless and think "wow, that was God..."

I had a raw moment of surrender with God in my prayer time last week. I often tell God what my heart's desire would be, but I willingly (even if hesitantly) choose His way instead knowing that it is best for me. Part of my heart stays open that maybe He gave me the desire as part of His plan for me, maybe He will shape it and refine it, and I wonder if He will fulfill it in His time and His way. This time, though, I laid down one of my heart's desires, figuring I must have missed it. I felt another round of pain, but tried to brush the dust off my knees and move on without turning to Him for comfort or understanding.

I was leaving Bible Study when a woman in the hallway stopped and asked about Maddie. I didn't know the woman, but it is commonplace now for us to have a conversation with unfamiliar faces in the grocery store, the post office, or wherever, hearing about families with babies from China. Suddenly though, she realized she had prayed specifically for Maddie. I could see her piecing together our story, and she shared that she prayed for me, Todd, our family at the hardest time of our lives. She didn't know the specifics of our story, but she is dear friends with a woman who asked for prayer for us. The moment was somewhat surreal -- suddenly there in the hallway I was sharing a testimony of the faithfulness of God in the midst of the deep place He has had us in the past two years. Instead of it being a complete stranger though, there was a God connection there that deeply ministered to my heart. I was so touched that someone who didn't even know me would be praying and holding our family up in her prayers. How tender my God is to allow our paths to meet. Not just randomly, but in a week that the journey felt long and my dreams felt deserted. I felt alone and forgotten, but God used this woman to tell me He is there. A reminder that God hears, God sees, God understands, God cares...about me and my heart. My eyes just filled with tears on the ride home, amazed at how He orchestrates details.

A few days later, I received an e-mail from one of the team members from our China mission trip this summer. She and her husband were called to adoption and have been attending a home fellowship group for adoptive families. It is a large group of 75-100 people. A woman came with pictures of her soon-to-be-daughter in Siping, China -- the same orphanage we went to, and our team member holding her daughter! They hadn't met each other previously, but suddenly they had a world in common and endless stories to share! The really amazing thing about that is that the woman almost didn't go that night because she had other things she needed to do....our two team members almost didn't go on the mission trip...we almost didn't go to Siping because our team was too small, then there was no where to stay until our orphanage director went to bat for us, and there was no translator because all companies were booked. Who is this God who has such incredible things in mind for us???

God is so intentional, purposeful, multi-faceted in how He orchestrates details. Scripture tells us, That is what the Scriptures mean when they say, "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him." 1 Corinthians 2:9 These two stories happening back-to-back in my week were like a double portion, a follow up lesson in case I didn't hear it clearly the first time. God is sovereign and He cares for every detail of our lives. We know that, and yet experiencing it first hand is the most incredible thing in the world!

These neat little connections continue, some seemingly small but actually significant because God is in it. I think God continues to show up in the smallest of details for those who are willing to pay attention to Him. Just this morning, I was thinking about a dear friend from our China trip. She was one of the treasures Jesus gave me in China. I missed her, thought to call and let her know this Sunday will be the China testimony and video clips. The phone rang an hour later, and there she was. A gift indeed. Just today, Todd and I were talking about Haiti. He had been deeply impacted by this mission trip two years ago and our church is preparing to go again. He was having lunch with a former colleague, and somehow Haiti came up and this man was interested. Todd said if he wanted to go, he would go with him. Even now I think hmm....what are You up to, Jesus?

Even in the silly and mundane, He can simply touch my heart and put a smile on my face. I had a conversation with my Dad about fortune cookie messages, and remembered that I really liked what one had said when we were at a China team reunion. I had saved it, but couldn't find it and didn't even remember what it said. I've been sad lately that I haven't heard from our new China friends in awhile. Today I found the fortune cookie message. It said, "The person you are thinking of is also thinking of you." Now was that God giving me that message? Doesn't matter. It might sound like a ridiculous example, but He warmed my heart with it either way - a sweet blessing.

Beth Moore calls them "God STOPS" -- Savor The Observable Presence. It is where God shows up and interrupts our day with Himself. When the risen Lord interrupted Mary Magdalene's day in the garden, she ran to tell the disciples the news: "I have seen the Lord!!" John 20:18 Jesus woos me every time He makes those incredible connections, His signature written by red thread.

An Invitation

There is something incredibly difficult about vulnerability. Being raw with someone. Our heart exposed. As I begin this new blog, I'm excited to have a place to journal lessons, thoughts, reflections -- to type into my keyboard what runs through the corners of my mind. It's a strange feeling right now, where no one has my blogsite address. You know it could just be a journal for me and God. That would pretty cool...but I have one of those. There is the joy of sharing something that's on your heart, something that may encourage someone else in their faith journey -- and I would hate to miss out on that. Even now though, I'm tempted to close off to some and I wonder why.

Vulnerability. This past week I read the following: "We can only risk stepping out when we are resting in the love of God. When we have received His verdict on our lives -- that we are chosen and dearly loved. Then we are free to offer. Entrusting ourselves to God. We don't get to wait to offer our lives until we have our life together. If we did, would anyone ever feel like offering anything? God asks us to be vulnerable. He invites us to share and give in our weaknesses.

To live as an authentic, ransomed, and redeemed woman means to be real and present in this moment. If we continue to hide, much will be lost. We cannot have intimacy with God or anyone else if we stay hidden and offer only who we think we ought to be or what we believe is wanted.

What have we to offer, really, other than who we are and what God has been pouring into our lives? He will lead you first into Himself; and then, with Him, He will lead you into the world that He loves and needs you to love. It is by Invitation." John and Stasi Eldridge, Captivating

In the book of John we have another invitation. In the first chapter, John tells us to clear the way for the LORD's coming! (John 1:23) Look! There is the Lamb of God! After getting our attention twice with the command to look, he invites us in. Come and see. Jesus invites Philip to "Come, be My disciple. Follow Me." Philip in turn includes more in the invitation when he says to Nathanael, "Just come and see for yourself."

The Greek for see is eido or oida. It means, "to perceive by any of the senses, notice, discern, discover, to turn the eyes, the mind, the attention to anything, to pay attention, observe, look at, behold, to have an interview with, to visit, to have regard for one, cherish." I love that. How often do we let things roll past our senses, and we miss what comes our way? Every day, we have an opportunity to clear the way for the LORD's coming. Tune in our senses. Pay attention. Turn our eyes to behold Him. Come and see for yourself.

In the quote I shared above, it said to be authentic and redeemed means to be real and present in this moment. Intimacy with God comes from being vulnerable with Him, open and raw, so that He can pour Himself into our hearts. Then we have something incredible to offer. He leads us first to Himself to be with Him, then He leads us out -- to tell the world, to give His love. It is by invitation.

I like how personal it gets when it tells us in plain words, "Come and see for yourself." Don't settle for hearing about someone else's great quiet time, or someone else's worship or prayers. Draw near. Nestle in to the love of God. John 4:42 bears witness to this concept. "Now we believe because we have heard Him ourselves, not just because of what you told us." Look -- come -- see. That invitation is for you.