Closed Doors

I was more than devastated. With a swift, harsh blow, I was completely taken back and knocked over. We had a great life, a great family, a strong marriage. We loved the church God had called us to. In a flash, life was turned upside down and Todd had resigned. God's grace and mercy surely sustained us, but the pain was something severe. It wasn't at all what I had expected. I didn't know the end was coming. We were just settling in after two and a half years, and finally feeling at home. We were building relationships and planting roots. We served God together with all that we had, and were filled with great joy. Without warning, that season was cut drastically short. The loss we felt was beyond words.

Imagine having a cancer that was spreading fast and had the power to kill. Todd knew he had it, but was unsuccessful in any attempt to rid himself of it. He compartmentalized his pain and resolved to live with it. He had lost hope for the deep healing he longed for. Perhaps what he didn't realize at the time, was that God had not forgotten him or left him to die. God saw His broken and bruised child, and lifted him out of the pit to rescue him.

God's purposes are so much bigger than our own. We thought God brought us here to serve Him, which we did. Then the doors closed. Nothing we had expected, but everything we needed. God was accomplishing what Todd had always hoped for. While we grieve the doors that closed, God opened up greater depth and wholeness than we ever imagined.

I recently did a study on Paul by Beth Moore, entitled To Live Is Christ. God had incredible plans for Paul's life. He made promises that He was sure to fulfill, but not necessarily the way Paul thought. It spoke to my heart that regardless of the means, God's fulfillment of the promise came faithful and true. Something else stood out to me. There was a point in Paul's ministry that he desired to go to Asia but the Holy Spirit hindered him. (You can read about it in Acts 16). "Because they were completely surrendered to God's will, Paul, Silas and Timothy did not fret when the Spirit of Christ hindered them from following through with their plans. They simply awaited new marching orders. We often hear people say 'when God closes a door, He opens a window.' Sometimes we just might be underestimating Him. We just saw Him close a door and open a continent" (Beth Moore, p. 85). Through their obedience, God's Word spread to Europe, and God rose up new leadership for Asia.

I had another unexpected ending to a chapter of ministry. It was sudden and abrupt, but thankfully it wasn't as traumatic as it was two years ago. Just as surely as God urged me forward to lead as the champion of women's ministries, He closed the door for me to continue on. I have very little answers on what God is up to. He may be calling me to a season of rest or solitude, or maybe He is honing my call to something more specific or something new. That has yet to be revealed.

There are some closed doors that we grieve because of the loss we feel. In a pursuit of healing, I am learning to see these closed doors as fulfillment of what God wanted to accomplish. I am holding onto the hope that God is very purposeful. He is working a plan, even when we can't see what it is. Life doesn't happen the way we expect at times, but I am learning that His way is better. Even if it's hard, or deep, or painful. God will redeem it and bring forth abundant life and greater fruit.

40 Days

Three years ago this month, Todd and I had been to a conference where God used Steven Curtis Chapman as a seed that would ultimately change our lives. He challenged us with the call on Christian families to adopt the orphans, and care for the ones who long for a family and a home to call their own. I know we cannot rise to every worthy cause, but this was one that stirred Todd's heart and mine. We weren't willing to jump into something so quickly, however. We had given away the baby clothes, thought our family was growing up, and big already on its own. We had a list of fears and concerns that was longer than that nice idea of bringing an orphan into our home.

We asked a few close friends to pray with us for forty days to discern God's will for this huge decision. God intended for His people to be a body, connected and supporting each other. The community of faith is lived out best in community. The Message says, "keep... in tune with each other, in step with each other. None of this going off and doing your own thing…. Instruct and direct one another…." Colossians 3:15-17

As we prayed, our list of fears and concerns were yielded and surrendered to God. Our love grew. Our faith was greatly challenged, but hope entered in. The things that worried us carried little weight in light of the love and desire God gave us for the orphan who needed a family and a home. At the end of the forty days, we knew what God had called us to. We stepped forward in faith, and in God's perfect timing, Madison was born. He had prepared her family to embrace her, and brought forth this child of promise to begin her journey home.

There were all kinds of bumps and hurdles along the way. There was a mountain of errands, phone calls, papers, and delays. Little did we know that some of the trials would involve the big-guns of the enemy, seeking to destroy. It was then that we knew we had to rely on what God had spoken, not on our circumstances or our feelings.

Forty days. God brought the rain for forty days that would cleanse the earth of its filth. Moses spent forty days on Mount Sinai in the presence of the Lord, and was given specific instruction for the Tabernacle and the Ten Commandments. God commanded Moses to send twelve men (one for each tribe) to inspect, explore, and research the Promised Land for forty days. Elijah was completely spent and ready to die when the angel touched him and told him to eat enough for the forty day journey ahead, to Mount Sinai, the mountain of God. It was there that God gave him new vision and restored his heart. Jesus was tested for forty days in the wilderness, and ministered to by the angels. And for forty days after His death and resurrection, our Risen Lord appeared to His disciples and five hundred more, to assure them beyond doubt that what He said, and Who He was, is absolute truth.

Forty days. Not magical like a formula when you are desperate for something to work. But God ordained to be sacred. Significant. Purposeful. Through those forty days in Scripture, God brought cleansing, instruction, exploration, restoration, care, and assurance. They were days filled with His power, His presence, and His glory. They were places where His people were brought to the end of themselves, only to be filled up with more of Him -- to be sent back out, and used by God for a greater work. Essential. Preparation.

Todd and I are prompted by God to enter into another forty days of prayer. This time in the spirit of advent: the longing for the coming of the promised One. Again we have asked the body of Christ to pray with us -- ultimately for God's will to be done in our lives, for His direction and clarity, for strength and grace as we wait on Him. For as significant as it was when Madison was added to our family, this too has incredible significance. It is our hearts crying out to live for Him in what we were created for, yielding our own ideas and wanting to embrace His.

"Then Jesus told His disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up." Persistently, a widow kept coming with her plea. "Will not God bring about justice for His chosen ones, who cry out to Him day and night? Will He keep putting them off? I tell you, He will see that they get justice and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will He find faith on earth?" Luke 18:1,7-8

Forty days of prayer. Focused commitment. Persistence.

"Lord, teach us to pray...'And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will be given what you ask for. Keep on looking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to him who knocks, the door will be opened.'" Luke 11:1,9-10 NLT and NIV

Surrender

I'm giving You my heart -- All that is within -- I lay it all down for the sake of You my King. I'm giving You my dreams, laying down my rights, I'm giving up my pride for the promise of new life.

And I Surrender -- All to You, all to You

I'm singing You this song -- I'm waiting at the Cross -- All the world holds dear, I count it all as loss -- for the sake of knowing You, for the glory of Your name, to know the lasting joy, even sharing in Your pain.

lyrics by Marc James

I find myself listening to songs about surrender when there is something that is hard for me to yield to God. I know in faith that He has the best plan in mind, full of purpose and abundant life. In my weak skin, though, it is hard to yield and trust Him with whatever He wants to do. Sensing this was pathetic of me (who am I to doubt my Maker?), I asked Him once for a word picture of what I was doing. What came to mind is that I'm gripping McDonald's with all I've got while He has a banqueting table waiting for me. I'm not even that fond of McD's, but it hit home with me. Why do I hold onto what I think I want, when I could exchange it for His best?

I believe that part of being intimate with God is sharing our hearts with Him -- what we're thinking about, what we hope for, things we ponder or wonder about. I try to do that, and end it with "yet not my will, but Yours be done." At times we wrestle or we hurt, but ultimately we yield and we love. That's the only way I know to live out an authentic faith.

I sat in church a few weeks ago and heard God's voice speak so clearly I had to write it down. It cut straight to the core of me. Here is what I heard Him speak in my heart: "you’re shooting way too low…giving up on Me??? Letting your dreams die?" I know God can do anything, but maybe I was shooting too low by thinking His plan wouldn't be anything I had hoped for. While His plan ultimately isn't about me, He does have a fierce love for His children and delights in giving them good gifts (see Matthew 7:11). I want to embrace Him and what He has for me, even if He leads in a direction that isn't my preference. I want to praise Him because He is worthy, before the answer I've been waiting for comes. I want Him to have my love and my heart, even when I can't see much past what is right in front of me. All of Him for all of me.

"God's will is always best even when we cannot imagine how. Surrendering to His will does not mean you lose. Ultimately, it means you win. God does not want you to feel defeated when you realize He's overruled a desire of your heart. God is not asking you to give up. He's leading you to give over. Keep hanging on to that rope and let Him pull you over to His side. One day you'll understand. And you'll see His glory" (Beth Moore, To Live is Christ).

Waiting

I have always loved a good conversation. I still remember when Todd and I were dating so many years ago (hold on, let me count....19 years ago...), we used to sit and talk for hours, often in the car. Those were the days before four kids and a golden retriever, who all push their way into getting Daddy's attention. Todd comes home from work, and suddenly everyone has a story to tell, a question to ask, and they all want first dibs and a front row seat. The noise and the energy escalate. Forget manners or taking turns. Perhaps the worst offender of this is Lily, our golden retriever. With all exuberance, she pushes her way to the front, barks and jumps (what happened to all those obedience training classes?!?), and insists that she gets all of Daddy's attention. Yesterday we sat and talked (or tried to talk) on our bed, and Lily was right up in Todd's face, smothering him in a thousand kisses and puppy cries. In the midst of one conversation, we are interrupted at least a dozen times. It makes me crave connection with a good conversation all the more. Waiting. Will it ever be my turn?

Back in those early days, many conversations were colored with analogies. When my heart was too full to express something with words, I liked to paint a picture of how I felt. It was a way of reaching out with the deepest part of my heart. I still love to learn through pictures and ideas, where the richest meaning is hidden -- but as you dig for it, it becomes a treasure to behold.

Listen to this portion from the Message, taken from Romans 8: "All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us; it's within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance.

That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy. Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along.

If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good."

I love this word picture of waiting -- filled with hope and expectancy, but honest and real that it is long and hard. Waiting is something Todd and I have had to do many times before. Waiting to get married. Waiting for God to open the right job. Waiting for a referral for our adoption. Waiting for provision. Waiting for faith to become sight in His unfolding promises over our lives. Waiting for delivery.

Just before a woman gives birth, there is active labor. For some, there are endless hours of labor that begin to wear down your strength. It gets progressively more intense and more difficult, until you reach active labor. It comes at a point when you aren't sure if you can make it any further. You are tired and worn thin. You have moments where you wonder if you really wanted this baby in the first place. Seriously though, it's when it feels like it is going to get the best of you and you want to give up. Here in lies the hope. At the point of active labor -- the very hardest part -- you are actually the closest to delivery. For all of the long wait, you will soon hold the promise in your hands.

Hold on. He's coming.

Following Him

I started the day with my quiet time, but it was too quickly followed by too many things I'd like to get done, juggling my list of priorities. What if God came to me and said, "Today, I want you to...." would I tell Him I'd squeeze that in if I could find the time? My idea of success is often marked by productivity. If I got a lot done in the day, that was a good day. God's idea of success is marked by obedience. Not results. Laying down my life, surrendering to His lordship.

Is it my day or His?

We sing at church, "Everyday, it's You I live for, everyday I'll follow after You..." While that is my heart, my desire, is that my reality? Following Him, not having Him accompany me. Not just daily, but moment by moment, aware of His presence and His leading.

I'm afraid my determination can be so focused on what I want to do that I have a harder time allowing Him to redirect my steps. It is a process of learning to stretch out my quiet times to be more of my day than just my study time. Sometimes I'm aware that He is with me, giving me the strength or grace or love that I need to serve Him, but I get out of step with Him when I put a higher priority on getting something done than I do on hearing Him in the midst of it.

"If we are living now by the Holy Spirit, let us follow the Holy Spirit's leading in every part of our lives." Galatians 5:25 NLT

Maybe it is just being aware of where my way is trying to trump God's way. Ridiculous thought. And yet I do it. Am I stubborn for my own goals or agendas or am I ready to respond with obedience to even His slightest prompting?

"Since this is the kind of life we have chosen, the life of the Spirit, let us make sure that we do not just hold it as an idea in our heads or a sentiment in our hearts, but work out its implications in every detail of our lives." (Galatians 5:25, The Message)

Teach me, Lord. I want to live this day for You. Help me to follow You, even in the little things.

Stories

The Bible is filled with stories, connecting us into lives of commonfolk like ourselves, intersecting with God's activity in their midst. While it is ultimately God's story and His work throughout history, He invites us in, to find ourselves in the pages and identify ourselves with Him and His truth. We learn who we are and what our purpose is in the pages of Scripture.

When Word became flesh, and Jesus walked the earth, He too entered into real lives and real stories. Men, women, children, rich, poor, sick, fallen or lost. He was relational, hearing and touching hearts of many in great need. Jesus often taught in parables because people can relate to and identify with stories.

Stories are a place of connection with another heart. They give opportunity for laughter, tears, lessons, and relationship. Stories invite others in to our lives, open ourselves up to be known, and bear witness to what God is doing in and through us.

I was greatly moved by the story of a baby boy I've been reading about on a blog. He was born with a chromosome disorder that they knew would cut his life short. He was born into a family of faith, who shared his story and gave God glory for every day he lived. Every day was a celebration of birth days. He lived to be 99 days old. In those days, his story was told and shared world-wide. He and his family were lifted up in prayer by a handful of states across the country, and nations around the globe. I cried at his death and how his parents must have felt, but so touched by the connections made by people who didn't even know this family. A baby who lived to be three months old had a story to tell, and his parents are sharing it. God is being glorified in their pain and loss, celebration and joy. It is amazing to hear them share of the gift that will be held forever in their hearts.

Acts 22:15 calls us His witnesses. "You are to take His message everywhere, telling the whole world what you have seen and heard."

What opportunity we have to share our stories with each other! It is an avenue that can draw people to God as we bear witness to His activity in our life. "Whether or not anyone would trade testimonies with me, I have my own story with Christ. I have my own song. My personal testimony is the way I can illustrate the relevance of Scripture and the power of an invisible God in today's world." (From Beth Moore, To Live is Christ) She writes that Paul "asked nothing but a chance to share his testimony. He desired to overcome their hardened hearts by the word of his testimony (see Rev. 12:11)."

No one call tell our story like we can. From our own life, our own circumstance. To share the places where God has opened us up raw, and brought new life and healing. To share a testimony of a life changed, touched, transformed by His hand.

"For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks." Luke 6:45 What is God teaching you? What is He stirring in your heart lately? We welcome relationship, connection, and community when we open up to share it. "Speak -- say the words that no one else will ever say. Love -- love like the world we know is over in a day." (Jars of Clay)

Scripture tells us that if we keep silent, the rocks would cry out. There is a story to be told, a voice to be heard. It's your story, your voice, your heart intertwined with His. Bringing Him praise and glory as your story is shared. Hearts strengthened and encouraged, increasing in faith because of His hand in the details of our life. Let Acts 4:20 be said of us. "We cannot stop telling about the wonderful things we have seen and heard."